I’m not afraid of sleep. I’m afraid of going to sleep. I’m afraid of that period where you’re not allowed any distractions and you’re just lying there with nothing but your own thoughts for company.
For me it’s never positive. Paranoia, overactive imagination, call it what you will. It always starts with whatever’s currently causing me anxiety. And then it wanders to the most random, negative shit my brain can come up with. Shit happening to certain body parts that freak me out, something happening to my boyfriend, “what if my dad snaps and kills us in our sleep”, “what if someone breaks in and kills my dog when she tried to protect us”, etc etc. Sometimes it’s even worse than that. But it’s ridiculously pervasive and once I think of it once, I can’t stop. So I end up tossing and turning and sometimes crying because my mind is kind enough to play these thoughts like fucking movies on a loop for an hour or longer.
I really fucking hate going to sleep. I guess I just hate being alone in general